In all honesty – I want to be in control. You see I’ve had a certain idea about the way my life should go as a daughter of the King. God has had to time and time again remind me that the idea that I can control my own circumstances is a vapor that I keep trying to grasp.
About fifteen months ago my husband and I moved back to our home state of Ohio. We love being back. However, the last 15 months have been challenging for me. It’s been another reminder of my fruitless effort to control the warp and wave of life.
We’ve lived in several cities and states over the years. We’ve loved them all. Fifteen months ago we lived in the St. Louis area. Our life was full and busy. I worked on staff of the large church we attended. Between staff and the volunteers I had the privilege of serving with and leading, my life was full of relationship, activity and support. My daughter and son-in-law live there as well. I miss them.
One day Ed, (my husband) came and said an opportunity to move back to our home state of Ohio. I didn’t know what to think. We had talked about moving back after retirement but this seemed too soon. We loved our friends, church, and activities in St. Louis.
It soon became obvious to both of us that this move was God’s will for us.
It was a shift in what I thought was the fulfilling Christian life I thought God called us to live. It’s in those moments that God calls us out of our protected places so He can do the stretching and changing that He needs to do for our hearts and souls. I began to wonder if I would find the same feelings of worthiness and purpose. What now God? This would be our first move without of our children with us. Ed is successful and well respected in his industry. He would dive right into our return home.
But what about me? I had no idea what God was calling me to do and my efforts to control what that might look like once again was an elusive vapor. Ed, ever my champion, believed in my abilities as a leader and mentor and encouraged me to write a book. It has been one of the most rewarding and yet thoroughly frustrating things God has ever asked me to do. Here’s why.
I’m an extravert and asking me to spend days and weeks at a time in solitude is anguishing. I want to have lunch with a friend, meet someone for coffee. That isn’t God’s point in all of this. To add to the solitude, Ed has traveled for work more than ever – more time alone.
Although God has blessed me with the progress of the book, blogs and speaking engagements I’ve realized in the last week or so that it isn’t the main reason for this time of solitude. I shared with a sweet friend of mine this past week that I’m feeling restless and a little sad. Of course this was over the phone because we are hours from each other – no coffee together anytime soon. She reminded me of God’s desire for me to find rest and deep connection with Him. She also talked about the transitions we go through in life and how God is doing important business during those times. It’s not my job to try and control the details of my life. God calls me to rest in the peace of knowing He is God and the One in control. Over the last couple of days, I’ve stopped busying my mind with my ways of trying to manipulate the future. Instead, I’ve stilled my heart long enough to listen to His teachings:
May you find peace and rest in the knowledge of His call on your life – He’s got this.